Musings of a Stalker Squirrel
by KneelDownToUsPeasants
Summary: It was an accident, really. Apollo and Rachel really didn't mean to crash the sun chariot into Rachel's house. It happened, of course, and now the two have to find a way to fix it. Told all from the point of view of a squirrel. Completely random parody.
1. Burning down the house

**Authors' Note: Hello, this is a parody of what would happen if Apollo and Rachel crashed the sun chariot into Rachel's house, told from the point of view from a squirrel. Not just any squirrel, a very a special squirrel. mwahahah.**

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It was a fabulous day. I was just minding my own business, eating a nut in front of these rich bastards' house when BAM! It happened. I dropped my nut.

As if that wasn't bad enough, _these idiots, _decided to randomly crash this awesome car into the rich people's house. At first I thought the sky was falling. This big fiery thing was charging towards the house, from the _freaking sky_, and it was on fire. I obviously thought it was the sun, but I was wrong. As it started to get closer, I saw it was actually a car with two screaming teenagers in it.

A car, falling from the sky.

Fuck logic.

So anyway, two teenagers in a car, a boy and a girl. The girl had this huge red frizzy hair and was screaming hanging onto the sides of the car for dear life, in her school uniform. The boy was behind the wheel, and was hot, _for a human_. He had blond hair, and rayban sunglasses propped up on his head, which stayed perfectly still despite the fact the he was plummeting towards the ground at 100,000,000 kilometres per hour. His pretty face was ruined by the fact that his teeth were gritted together and he was trying to pull the car up with the wheel. Not working.

How the hell did your car end up in the sky anyway, kid?

Well, because of gravity, the car eventually crashed into the house in a big fiery explosion, blowing it to bits. For some reason I, the awesome little squirrel, survived the huge explosion. Logic must be feeling a little lazy today.

The two kids somehow also survived the crash. They flung right out of the car and almost landed on me. Oh, of course, use the squirrel to break your fall.

The Red Headed girl got up and ran up to the now burning house and yelled; 'MY HOUSE!'

Meanwhile, Blondie ran to the destroyed pieces of what used to be his car, yelling; 'MY CAR! MY BEAUTIFUL SEXY CAR!'

'Oh no, dad's gonna kill me! How am going to even explain this..?' the Red Head put her face in her hands.

'Blame it on global warming.' Blondie waltzed up to Red Head and put his arm around her, 'Isn't that what all you mortals use to explain things?'

'Oh right,' Red Head took her face out of her hands and pushed Blondie's arm away, 'So I go up to dad and say; "Guess what? Global warm caused our house to blow into flames!" Yeah right! You're an idiot, Apollo!' She yelled the last part out so loud, I was sure the sound was bigger than the explosion.

Ouch.

'Well, soo-rry, just trying to help,' Blondie shrugged, and Red Head pulled a sour face at him, it was obvious she was upset about setting her house on fire.

Wait, that was her house? If her parents were rich enough to live (or _used_ to live) in that house, couldn't they afford to do something about her hair? _People._

'Apollo, this is serious! Where am I going to live?' Red Head snapped at him.

Blondie's face softened up a little, 'There's always Camp Half-Blood, Rachel.' He said softly.

What the hell was Camp Half-Blood, and what was the idiot smoking when he named it?

'I know,' she nodded, and I could tell she was trying not to cry. Baby. 'But what about my parents, I mean, I don't care about them, but we can't just leave them. And we can't take them to Camp either.'

'Last time I checked, your parents were millionaires, I'm pretty sure they can afford to stay somewhere.' Blondie shrugged. Damn straight.

Red Head looked offended, 'Yeah, I knew that! But how will we explain it?'

'Whoa, _we_?' Now Blondie looked taken back and offended, 'they're you're parents, not mine!'

'Well, it was _your_ chariot that crashed into _my_ house!'

'Oh shit!' Blondie seemed to remember his car, or chariot. Whatever. 'How am I gonna explain that to Zeus?'

'That's not the main point here! My house is more is important than your stupid Chariot! If you could only have let me catch a cab home then none of this would've happened!' Whoa, Red Head was getting pretty serious.

'Well, excuse me for wanting to be nice and drive you home from school.' Blondie said sarcastically, 'So sorry Rachel.'

'Ugh, shut up! It's your fault we got into this mess and you can't even accept , and you're a god-'

Cue thunder and lightning.

And did she say god?

The two looked up in alarm. Red Head looked worryingly at Blondie. 'Do you think that was Lord Zeus?' She asked, fear in her voice.

'No, it was probably Aphrodite,' Blondie rolled his eyes, which were an awesome shade of blue, 'No duh it was Zeus. What's wrong with him today? Didn't have enough sugar in his morning coffee..?'

Now it was Red Head's turn to roll her eyes, 'Or maybe, _just maybe_, he's mad at you for crashing into a mortal's house and setting it on fire?'

Blondie thought for a second. 'Nah.'

This kid/god was an idiot.

It all happened quickly. Lightning flashed again.

As for what happened next, I can't explain it. Red Head screamed and grasped Blondie. The ground started rumbling, and I ran and clutched Red Head's butt for balance.

'Apollo!' she screamed, 'The gods are summoning us! Now is not the time to touch my ass!' That was actually me touching it, and hanging on.

'I'm not touching your ass!' Blondie said back to her, smiling, 'But I could if you wanted me too.'

Wow. The world is possibly ending and you recite the world's cheesiest line ever. Real smooth, slick.

Then it was all blurry lights, and stretching and throwing up in mid-air.

Well, after what happened after, lightning and cashing cars into houses seemed normal.

As a little squirrel, I never guessed that I would ever get to go to a meeting in Olympus. Guess I was wrong.

How many of you get to check that off your bucket list?

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**Reviews are appreciated.**


	2. Red Head and Blondie's Punishment

**Author's Note: Big thank you to all of those who reviewed and added us to your alerts! Some were a bit confused about the squirrel, but it will all make sense. Eventually.**

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With a flash of light so bright that I almost fell off the humans butt, I was in some place I could only describe as a Peace Protestor's Paradise. There were fountains, and gardens, and people playing musical instruments I've never even seen before.

I didn't like it.

It was eerily quiet. There were no nuts. Red Head seemed nervous and was practically hanging off Blondie's arm the entire way to the throne room.

Blondie looked kind of smug.

The calm swaying of Red Head's butt was kind of lulling me to sleep when a huge crash echoed around me and I looked up the see... really tall people. They were huge! Like twice the size of an oak tree, sitting on huge thrones in the shape of a cashew. Perhaps human-giraffe hybrids?

There were twelve of them, _I think_. I'm a squirrel, my maths isn't that great. They were positioned at a weird angle. There was one in desperate need of a haircut, one that looked like he belonged on the logo of a fishing supplies shop, and one hugging a box of seriously to her chest. And they were all glaring at Blondie and Red Head.

They scared me, for some reason, so I tried to snuggle into my ride's jeans and then into her butt crack, but to no avail.

Ooh, maybe I was in Olympus?

And maybe I'm secretly dating Selena Gomez?

Yeah right. I was hallucinating. Too many nuts.

The dude in the middle of the room stood up. He had a stupid beard and held a huge lightning bolt that made my fur, that I had neatly brushed, fuzz up. Screw him and static electricity.

'APOLLO!' The Lightening dude boomed.

'Yup?'

'EXPLAIN YOURSELF!'

Blondie held up a hand. 'I feel a haiku coming on.' Around the room the giant people/gods/human-giraffe hybrids groaned. One even zapped themself out of the room. Red Head meanwhile, was trying not to laugh.

_"Sun rays broke through clouds, _

_We lost control of the car,_

_I have sexy abs"' _

Dafaq?

Lightning bolt guy was not amused. No one was, really. 'You are the most irresponsible Olympian I have ever come across, including _Hermes_!' he shouted, 'You constantly dodge authority and-' So the ranting began. He ranted about Blondie's disrespect and irresponsibility, his arrogance and disregard for rules and a lot of other crap that I tuned out.

Red Head had shrunk behind Blondie and was shaking slightly, which was really distracting my search for any sort of nut providing tree.

'- learn some respect' the angry god gasped for breath. 'AND WHY DID YOU BRING A SQUIRREL TO OLYMPUS!?'

Oh sure. Now you notice the squirrel.

Everybody turned to stare at Red Head's butt. A girl off to the side shifted uncomfortably, and appeared nervous. She looked down. Was her throne uncomfortable? Because let me tell you, it's certainly more comfortable Red heads butt.

Red Head also just noticed me. 'Eww! Get off my butt!'

'Can I get on?' Blondie asked giving her a look that no other word except 'perverted' could describe. Red Head pushed him away and swiped at her butt, but I dodged and clung on tighter.

I heard a yawn in the background.

'Yo dawg, get back to da PUNISHMENT! These niggas gotta be in trouble for da trouble day made.' A god with wings on his shoes said. The wings were moving. What is this? Fucking Harry Potter?

Blondie looked shocked. 'Hermes I thought we were cool!' he cried.

'We was tight til you and your bitch crashed my invention, nigg.'

There was a slight coughing sound in the background, followed by, 'Somebody's acting out of character.'

'Hermes is correct.' Light Bolt guy continued, 'You will be punished severely for the destruction of the Sun Chariot.'

'AND MY HOUSE!' Red Head yelled.

He shrugged, 'Sure, that too. Any suggestions?'

Around the room people cried out suggestions.

'Cleaning Olympus.'

'Make over by Aphrodite.'

'A training session with Ares.'

And, 'Prostitution among mortals to pay back the house and the damage made.'

Blondie looked really happy with the last one.

'Yes!' Zeus cried out, 'Apollo and Rachel will pay back the money needed to create a new chariot and house. Apollo you are forbidden to use you godly powers while making the money and prostitution is not allowed.'

'Aww,' Blondie pouted.

And then we were zapped back down to the mortal world. Me still clinging onto Red Head's butt. They've forgotten me already.

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